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Card #c1084IR // #c1084Synthesis

"Some men's No is thought more of than the Yes of others : for a gilded No is more satisfactory than a dry Yes." "Your refusal need not be point-blank : let the disappointment come by degrees. Nor let the refusal be final"

— In our words · Source: The Art of Worldly Wisdom (Baltasar Gracián)

[Use when]

You have to turn down a request from someone you'll need again.

[Why it matters]

Gracián's refusal has a method: let the disappointment arrive in stages, leave some hope in place, and cover the gap with courtesy. He warns that people who lead with No get no credit even when they later give way.

Filed under situations:When the other side has more leverageWhen you need a yes and they’re not there yet

More from The Art of Worldly Wisdom

#c1063"They will allow a man to help them but not to surpass them, and will have any advice tendered them appear like a recollection of something…You have to correct someone above you who is proud of their judgment. #c1064"All men are idolaters, some of fame, others of self-interest, most of pleasure. Skill consists in knowing these idols in order to bring…Your good arguments keep failing on someone and you have not asked what they actually want. #c1065"To dissent from others' views is regarded as an insult, because it is their condemnation. Disgust is doubled on account of the thing…You think a popular plan is wrong and are tempted to say so in the all-hands.

Same situation, different book

#c1356Show them the engine, skip the pitchYou have a metric that proves your value better than any presentation.From Cancel Me If You Can #c1322Fill the reservoir of trust before you need itYou'll eventually need a deal with a rival and have no reason yet to talk to them.From Courage Can Save Us #c1279The Smarties test for adultsYou're sure the other side must see what you see.From Trade Outside the Box #c1277Listen and then thinkYou're preparing what to say in a meeting where you haven't yet heard the other side.From The Oxford Handbook of Modern Diplomacy